I'm being forced to either accept myself now or change everything.
I haven't been at home this long since I was in my twenties. Back then I was living in my Dad's back room trying to figure out what I wanted to do with myself after graduating from film school. I thought I had everything figured out then, but it turns out I'm finally figuring it out in my thirties. I'm being forced to either accept myself now or change everything.
I've been working from home, which is such a blessing during a scary pandemic. I’ve learned to enjoy my own company; I’ve been sleeping in and I don’t have any major meetings to attend. All this free time is giving me more time to think about everything. I can be cleaning and all of a sudden I'm hit with an unpleasant forgotten memory that connects to a way I live my life now.
This pandemic is opening my eyes, mind, and heart to unanswered, unresolved, and repressed issues I've had as a kid, as a teen, and when I was becoming an adult. Lately, I've been thinking about situations that hurt my inner-child's feelings. When I saw the class of 2020 not being able to enjoy the special moments that would shape them into who they will someday become, I realized I blurred the entire fuck out of High School. It was the worst time of my life.
We all have shit from our lives that we carry around with us. We survived and that’s a badge of honor, but really you can have so many more badges of pain that you don't realize are there. Realize it, observe it, process it, and move on from it if you can. If you cannot, then figure out why. Right now you have nothing but time.
I can't be mad at anyone for not checking on me if I never checked whether I needed to be a better friend in the first place.
I can understand how people can become anxious, depressed, and numb during this time. You have a lot (and I mean a lot) of time to think about your life and moments you miss. This is a time when you can have a deep conversation with yourself and figure out why you are unable to be alone. Or you can ask yourself, “Why am I okay with being alone more than anything?” You have nothing but time to overcome these things.
Honey, I was having the strangest dreams I’d ever had in my life and I had to analyze all of them. They all came down to fear and resentment deep in my subconscious. With no distractions, you finally have the time to look at your self-care and figure out if you are okay and, if not, how you can get there.
I feel like we are all eventually going to lose someone close, someone we know, or someone we used to know to this virus. Death will hit you harder during a pandemic. Social distancing will make grieving more painful than it’s supposed to be. Right now funerals are only allowing a certain amount of people to attend services. I can't imagine not having a service for a loved one or having to wait to mourn someone’s life.
If anything, all this death is teaching us to enjoy the time we have and the people we have. It’s teaching us not to worry about the don'ts or the can’ts in our life. You can plan a memorial in the future or you can make a dedication page for them online so loved ones can say goodbye. You can donate to a fundraiser that person would've supported. There are ways to celebrate their memory for years to come. Don't let this pandemic keep you from celebrating their life.
Relationships will be tested as well as friendships and it can go good, bad, or ugly at this point.
Are you a good friend or have you fallen off? You have to ask yourself during this time, “What energy do I bring to the table?” “Am I full of shit?” “Has anyone checked on me during this pandemic?” “Am I checking on other people more than I’m checking on myself?”
Relationships will be tested as well as friendships and it can go good, bad, or ugly at this point. I can't be mad at anyone for not checking on me if I never checked on myself to see if I needed to be a better friend in the first place. Shit, I was social distancing before it was mandatory. I forgot how to live because I’d been hurt by the ones I gave to. Now, especially with everything going on all over the world, you need a connection with the people who have held on more than ever. Being alone is not the answer. Call, text, facetime, or keep 6 feet apart from your someone during this time until you're able to see them. I was proud of myself for reaching out to five people in one day. For me that is major. This is a good time to take baby steps into everything you feared doing.
My goal now is to heal emotionally, mentally, and spiritually so that I can become my best self moving forward. I cannot blame God or wait for God to fix a man-made disease. I believe everyone should want God to be with them through this scary journey and guide them into their path clearly. That’s what I want.
This is a real awakening and you are going to miss the journey or keep on living in a dark place. It's a long time to pause, but I believe God makes us pause with less traffic, less noise, less work. You have to listen to what has been shown to you and find peace. You can bond with your kids, family and pets. You can focus on your career goals, healthy goals, all the things you always wanted to do, and businesses you wanted to start. You can call those you have loved and missed. This is the time to dig deeper into your spirituality and become a better you, a stronger you.
Until next time on Lady's View